2 shredded wheat.. 1 antibiotic..hopping the twig..

up early hot and tired... nearly finished course of pills....

under the weather taking me ages to get over virus......fiffed and faffed.. rested upstairs...
slept fitfully..didnt attempt to get up until, well a very indecent time...
lunch time..

just a stray thought... a lady used to call a few years ago..a friend ..daughter had m.e.
she,d kindly drop me books off, i said to her one day "what do you think of me" she laughed..saying "why, what makes you ask such a thing."....
reply.. cos i see myself through other peoples eyes...
she said "i think you are wasting your life"....... in a nutshell..

thing is this is what was marked down for me and i play the hand i was dealt.. with as much dignity as i can muster.....

while trying to figure out what the world and all its inhabitants is about..
i look around at people going about their business ... the rat race....
and feel sorry for them..the majority..

updated posts..

I do think if you whine on about negative things like illness..it makes you feel worse..
it just brings me down so this blog is going to be a bit pointless really..
ive got through by ignoring pain and such.. pushing on through it ..
enjoying the pleasures i have ..

i steep myself in my hobbies.... look out on a beautiful day.. cloud spot just small simple things....these are the things that bring me pleasure.. .
.things like a holiday would hold no excitement for me....
my brother went to miami.. the thought filled me with dread.. all those people milling about.. the big attractions...to me its all shallow.
if i shut my eyes i can see it all in front of me for nothing.

me and m.e...

didn,t have a good night... the pills seemed to work better in the first few days.. now i,m hot and tired..slept through..yet woke feeling as if i,d been awake all night..

Ive looked at these words and thought they,ve got to go they look depressing but its the truth so why tell fibs..
but i find since i opened the blog that if i bury it all and pretend..
keep it all nice and upbeat i feel better.. lets pretend..is the name of the game.. always has been with me..the truth just bogs me down..
so if i keep on saying, i feel fine.. one day i will...i imagine it all in front of me..
i,ll sit under a tree..sun on my face.. recovered....

since i got the computer a year ago ive been occupied, it takes me so long to figure out how to do anything and also mainly with being ill ive been out of whats the word..? compliance... no.....out of practice .. maybe.. rusty..yes..
for a long time.. years..
i,ll have to go and look up compliance.. ..ive looked.. resistance.. sounds about right...explains my actions towards everyone around me .. in here....and just life in general....

imagine going to sleep in the 1600,s like rumplestiltskin then waking up today ..
the world and everyone in it,s changed beyond all recognition..
but i,m still me.. my core self... if i could go back id still choose to be me.. inside and out..
maybe with perfect skin when young and the abilities i seem to have now..then..



switched the craft channel on and they are making oriental cards, well they were before ten... it cheers me up so i,ll watch it while i wait for mam and dad coming back from hospital..
its a 24 hour channel but we only have it in the living room, upstairs i have digi.. so i make the most of it while everyones otherwise occupied..

update.. mam doesnt have to go back anymore to the eye clinic..its been 8 years..
flown over,
i was actually able to get out into the park over to the local shops down the fields with the dog chubbles..we sat down one day i had a grand view of spennymoor, sun was hot, chubbles splashed in the stream.. saw a fox..
then a few months later i walked into mams and she,d collapsed.. every day from that moment on i thought well she,ll not survive... that went on for about 3 years didnt matter what anyone told me..... i went downhill..
thing is my mam has been the closest person to me in my life..i,ll be lost..

grown woman like me.....acting like a child....hard to admit to..
i think some people just don,t grow up.. doesnt matter how old they become...
every day i went there and as i was leaving she,d be taking my scarf off and retying it ..
pulling my hat down over my ears in winter..... dad would laugh and say she looks like freddy parrot face.....all good memories...

last night and today ive had the image of childhood again..
age 13...riding our bikes..i knew i should,nt have started thinking of the sound of music..
but it just popped into my head from no where..... seeing all the trees out in full leaf..
sun shining looking down towards croxdale..
i,m too soft....i,ll never grow a thick skin.....every single thought affects me....

remember being bullied at primary school.. going to bed thinking, well worry can,t hurt me...
its not real...thinking isnt a pysical thing, wrong...

you learn as you get older that thoughts truly can harm or heal... everythings about thought
everything begins with a single thought, without it nothing would have been invented.....
the power of the mind is and can be awesome..

theres a new thing going for the most severely affected..a home visit.. 3 or 4 hours over different days..to build a better picture of the needs of those housebound..

i should put a big sign up here... enter at your own risk..

soul speak..

the soul speaks should have been on angel blog but im quitting while i,m ahead.
trying to put it in some kind of order just conjures up more mix up for me.
great care should be taken with words on blogs...and that goes for any ...
the spoken word,written word..
ive found that the words in my head would look very different to a reader...
i have good intentions at all times this is my priority..it doesn,t always turn out so.. as the past has proved..
great minds think alike but also, different minds don,t always think alike.

I try at all times to write things that have no association with anything except me. ( and the dogs)
its not good practice and not right..

off to sit in the garden, see the sun.... nice breeze up..

flower essences..dr bach..

flower essences are truly wonderful things..how do they work? no idea i just believe they do,
there is a flower remedy for every emotion.. fear.. grief....

the rescue remedy has 5 different flower essences that can be used as an all round emergency remedy... 5 drops on the tongue or in water.. it tastes of brandy but the alcohol content is minuscule.. if the essence is watered down to next to zero it has the same effect.
no ones been able to figure out why yet.
..
i,m on a learning curve..researching..studying...ive been on this learning curve for 15 years....
brick walls at every turn....... i will go to the ends of the earth to find a way out..

one day there will be a helping hand .. if not i,ll have to carrying on doing it myself..
i have,nt had any major breakthrough as regards help yet so i see this as the time hasn,t been right.
ive the same view with anything, if the time is right the teacher will come or help as the case may be..
it will take longer but all roads lead to the same destination..

depression can be helped by raising the serotonin levels in the brain..
and changing the chemicals...by way of super foods, especially the brightly colored foods..i try to have plenty peppers, tomato's, oranges..blueberries..ect.
vitamins help a lot.
brains are very complex things and ive found anything that isn't a natural substance effects my body so i just don,t put chemicals in. feel worse if i do..
a lot of the time depression can be helped by a life style change as our bodies tell us somethings not right we must listen to the subtle messages the body sends out..

we are given these messages every day...
the soul speaks... well mine does... we hear what we want to hear and miss a lot of the most important things.... wood and trees springs to mind..
is it my soul? heaven only knows..

4th or 5th day of treatment...

think the antibiotics are making me feel slightly worse, slept fitfully again..asleep before 7pm then catnaps after that..woke at about 3am thinking whats the noise..? me coughing, ticklish cough.

thought it best i have this blog especially for witterings about m.e.. then if i don,t want to be subjected to reading it i don,t have to .. life's all about choice..

It started 15 years ago, my decent into hell really..i,d been taking low dose antibiotics for about 2 years for acne,
which i have to say i suffered with through-out my early years it was the blight of my life, stunted my growth, personality, everything
as i just kept out of the way..hidden..
i didnt feel like speaking to anyone as this would mean drawing attention to myself, perish the thought..and for anyone who has never been told by a callous youth at school that you have a spot then you wouldnt understand the sick feeling and these are feelings that never go away.. it colors your very world.... and now when im past it all and no one sees me...not much anyway..
i don,t have a single blemish. thats the way life goes....

my dad wasn,t well and i worried terribly.. he,d always had me to cheer him up and i couldnt get to visit....other family stresses too, everyone has them but when you arent well they are magnified..ten fold..

I,d also withdrawn myself from anti-depressants and a sleeping pill i,d been given these for p.n.d. before much was known about the addictive qualities of medication....
and been in hospital for an emergency blood transfusion...i just felt so tired.. all the time...

Id been to see about it and it was one of those.. oh there,s lots of virus-es going about.
.well maybe so but i didn't get better..repeated ear infections.... tired.. freezing cold....
i went right through summer clinging to a hot water bottle..i can,t remember much more about it after that, i do have snippets of memories..not many..
except a friend who dropped me off library books commented that i was exactly like her daughter.. who was newly diagnosed.. they,d fought to get her illness acknowledged i didn,t have the energy or the confidence.

buried my head in the sand told everyone i,d be fine and i honestly thought i would be.. every day i woke.. aching.. head banging..cold.. that's the main symptom or was for me..
i just pushed myself.. im a hard task master when it comes to "me"..

I started to feel worse.
esp. the brain symptoms.. its difficult to describe but you can,t think..it hurts and you feel very tired.
its very frightening when you can,t use your brain to think without pain, so i just stopped thinking at all...closed down...for the first time i thought i,d die and i didn't care..
i know now there are things i could have done to help myself but if you don,t value yourself then you don,t do it.. its self suicide really.

the things id have had to do were in the long term.. i like everything that minute if not sooner, for me, life is for living, squeezing every second out of the day, and night really, as i loved to stay up late, sleep was just something that got in the way of life..

I ended up turning the spare room into a sanctuary where i wouldnt disturb anyone because bed became basecamp, i got up, right up till last year.. for half an hour at a time and even then it was too long..i sat looking at the door aching to go back.. i tip-toed down the hall and up the stairs no-one saw anything of me, i was the vanishing woman who... well just vanished off the face of the earth basically. and felt so guilty..

I got up before 7.am saw my son off to school and trailed back...slept fitfully..its a sleep of the dead .. unrefreshed....


i still wake up unrefreshed, i would think some thing was seriously wrong if i woke feeling refreshed..
trying to fit house-running in amonsgt all of it..i looked at the bedroom walls thinking i could,nt sink much lower.. i was wrong there..