me and m.e...

didn,t have a good night... the pills seemed to work better in the first few days.. now i,m hot and tired..slept through..yet woke feeling as if i,d been awake all night..

Ive looked at these words and thought they,ve got to go they look depressing but its the truth so why tell fibs..
but i find since i opened the blog that if i bury it all and pretend..
keep it all nice and upbeat i feel better.. lets pretend..is the name of the game.. always has been with me..the truth just bogs me down..
so if i keep on saying, i feel fine.. one day i will...i imagine it all in front of me..
i,ll sit under a tree..sun on my face.. recovered....

since i got the computer a year ago ive been occupied, it takes me so long to figure out how to do anything and also mainly with being ill ive been out of whats the word..? compliance... no.....out of practice .. maybe.. rusty..yes..
for a long time.. years..
i,ll have to go and look up compliance.. ..ive looked.. resistance.. sounds about right...explains my actions towards everyone around me .. in here....and just life in general....

imagine going to sleep in the 1600,s like rumplestiltskin then waking up today ..
the world and everyone in it,s changed beyond all recognition..
but i,m still me.. my core self... if i could go back id still choose to be me.. inside and out..
maybe with perfect skin when young and the abilities i seem to have now..then..



switched the craft channel on and they are making oriental cards, well they were before ten... it cheers me up so i,ll watch it while i wait for mam and dad coming back from hospital..
its a 24 hour channel but we only have it in the living room, upstairs i have digi.. so i make the most of it while everyones otherwise occupied..

update.. mam doesnt have to go back anymore to the eye clinic..its been 8 years..
flown over,
i was actually able to get out into the park over to the local shops down the fields with the dog chubbles..we sat down one day i had a grand view of spennymoor, sun was hot, chubbles splashed in the stream.. saw a fox..
then a few months later i walked into mams and she,d collapsed.. every day from that moment on i thought well she,ll not survive... that went on for about 3 years didnt matter what anyone told me..... i went downhill..
thing is my mam has been the closest person to me in my life..i,ll be lost..

grown woman like me.....acting like a child....hard to admit to..
i think some people just don,t grow up.. doesnt matter how old they become...
every day i went there and as i was leaving she,d be taking my scarf off and retying it ..
pulling my hat down over my ears in winter..... dad would laugh and say she looks like freddy parrot face.....all good memories...

last night and today ive had the image of childhood again..
age 13...riding our bikes..i knew i should,nt have started thinking of the sound of music..
but it just popped into my head from no where..... seeing all the trees out in full leaf..
sun shining looking down towards croxdale..
i,m too soft....i,ll never grow a thick skin.....every single thought affects me....

remember being bullied at primary school.. going to bed thinking, well worry can,t hurt me...
its not real...thinking isnt a pysical thing, wrong...

you learn as you get older that thoughts truly can harm or heal... everythings about thought
everything begins with a single thought, without it nothing would have been invented.....
the power of the mind is and can be awesome..