thought it best i have this blog especially for witterings about m.e.. then if i don,t want to be subjected to reading it i don,t have to .. life's all about choice..

It started 15 years ago, my decent into hell really..i,d been taking low dose antibiotics for about 2 years for acne,
which i have to say i suffered with through-out my early years it was the blight of my life, stunted my growth, personality, everything
as i just kept out of the way..hidden..
i didnt feel like speaking to anyone as this would mean drawing attention to myself, perish the thought..and for anyone who has never been told by a callous youth at school that you have a spot then you wouldnt understand the sick feeling and these are feelings that never go away.. it colors your very world.... and now when im past it all and no one sees me...not much anyway..
i don,t have a single blemish. thats the way life goes....

my dad wasn,t well and i worried terribly.. he,d always had me to cheer him up and i couldnt get to visit....other family stresses too, everyone has them but when you arent well they are magnified..ten fold..

I,d also withdrawn myself from anti-depressants and a sleeping pill i,d been given these for p.n.d. before much was known about the addictive qualities of medication....
and been in hospital for an emergency blood transfusion...i just felt so tired.. all the time...

Id been to see about it and it was one of those.. oh there,s lots of virus-es going about.
.well maybe so but i didn't get better..repeated ear infections.... tired.. freezing cold....
i went right through summer clinging to a hot water bottle..i can,t remember much more about it after that, i do have snippets of memories..not many..
except a friend who dropped me off library books commented that i was exactly like her daughter.. who was newly diagnosed.. they,d fought to get her illness acknowledged i didn,t have the energy or the confidence.

buried my head in the sand told everyone i,d be fine and i honestly thought i would be.. every day i woke.. aching.. head banging..cold.. that's the main symptom or was for me..
i just pushed myself.. im a hard task master when it comes to "me"..

I started to feel worse.
esp. the brain symptoms.. its difficult to describe but you can,t think..it hurts and you feel very tired.
its very frightening when you can,t use your brain to think without pain, so i just stopped thinking at all...closed down...for the first time i thought i,d die and i didn't care..
i know now there are things i could have done to help myself but if you don,t value yourself then you don,t do it.. its self suicide really.

the things id have had to do were in the long term.. i like everything that minute if not sooner, for me, life is for living, squeezing every second out of the day, and night really, as i loved to stay up late, sleep was just something that got in the way of life..

I ended up turning the spare room into a sanctuary where i wouldnt disturb anyone because bed became basecamp, i got up, right up till last year.. for half an hour at a time and even then it was too long..i sat looking at the door aching to go back.. i tip-toed down the hall and up the stairs no-one saw anything of me, i was the vanishing woman who... well just vanished off the face of the earth basically. and felt so guilty..

I got up before 7.am saw my son off to school and trailed back...slept fitfully..its a sleep of the dead .. unrefreshed....


i still wake up unrefreshed, i would think some thing was seriously wrong if i woke feeling refreshed..
trying to fit house-running in amonsgt all of it..i looked at the bedroom walls thinking i could,nt sink much lower.. i was wrong there..